I'm nine days into my medication. Not sure I'm happy about this decision. The nausea is almost too much to deal with. Thankfully, I'm not vomiting but there are times I want to. I'm kinda jittery but it's not brutal. As for mentally, I'm not in as dark of a place as I was 2 weeks ago. I know that it will take at least a month before I feel the full effects of the meds but I think I'm on the right road.
This feeling of NOT being swallowed by darkness is completely foreign to me. I don't know how to be. I don't know how to accept it. Truthfully, I'm afraid of it. I want to go back to how I was. I know it's not healthy for me to do that but it's all I've known for almost 20 years. How do I live a life that I know nothing of? Especially at my age. I was fully content in living in the dark until my death. It's going to take some time, that much do I know.
I can say, without hesitation, that I am easing out of the abuse from The Monster. When I look in the mirror, I'm slowly seeing me and not who he said I was. I've seen current photos of him and, this should not bring me joy but it does, he has become everything he said I was. Fat and unattractive. I should not get pleasure from that but I do. He is everything I would not and will not want in a man. There is absolutely nothing desirable about him. I finally see him as the mistake that all of my family and friends said he was. They say you should never regret anything but I can say, without hesitation, that I regret him. He did not bring anything positive into my life. I tried to find something, just anything, that would say he was good for me and my life story. I found nothing. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life but mistakes are to teach lessons. To help you grow. He did none of that for me. He is my one regret. Family, friends and my own children said he was not good for me. I didn't listen. I paid a dear price for that.
I've learned a lot in the last 9 days about myself. I've learned that I do not know who I am. With every person I've had in my life, I've changed bits and pieces of who I am to suit what they want. Family, friends, men. They didn't ask me to do that. I subconsciously did it. I did it to be accepted. I've tried to be whatever they desired and wanted in a wife, girlfriend, friend. That rests solely upon me and my lack of self-esteem. I'm not going to do that anymore. When I piece together who I am...that's who they need to accept. If they can't, that is not my problem. Whoever I am...that's me. End of story. Full stop. I will find me one day.
