I grew up with a mother telling me that my friends truly aren't my friends. I look back and realize, I was never liked by anyone. I was tolerated. I'm not going to say I have always been the perfect friend. I haven't. I've said things I should have never said. I don't say mean things out of malice. It comes from being hurt. Maybe I've said things to hurt someone so they won't be close enough to hurt me. I've found I do that a lot now. I don't give anyone the chance to even try to hurt me. I push them away first. It's safer.
Truthfully, part of me believes what my mother told me. I didn't have friends and never have. Every friend, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, that I have let get close to me has betrayed me. All of them. I've been just someone to tolerate and walk over when the need arises. Someone to throw under the bus. Someone to demean their feelings. Someone to belittle. Someone whom they believe has no feelings but will just accept anything. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I truly am a nothing in the eyes of my friends.
In December, after months of repairs to my house, a leak was found and there was water under my new flooring. I broke. It seems just when I think I'm going to have some happiness, after years of crap, I am thrown back into the dark. Someone I've known since high school told me she is there for me to vent. My response to her was " Do whatever makes you feel better. I don't need you. I don't need Pam. I don't need friends. I don't need anyone. Leave me alone". I am at that point. After a lifetime of being less than in the eyes of family and friends...I need none of them. Why would I when all they do is talk shit behind my back and truly aren't there for me? Are my demons winning? Yes and I'm letting them.
