I hate today. It's the day of celebrating the worst 4 letter word known to man. Love. It's nothing more than a word to hurt people, cause damage and make them delusional. I have been shown this throughout my whole life. Parents, brother, family, friends, men. They say they "love" me but their actions prove otherwise. My parents leaving me to die after a suicide attempt? That's obviously letting me know I'm not loved. Men beating and raping me? Obviously that is letting me know I'm not loved. Friends betraying me in uncountable ways? Definitely letting me know I'm not loved. Brother telling me I should rot in jail because I'm a shitty mother, shitty person, a failure? Yeah...no love there. Family telling me I'm worthless and not wanted in the family? Again...no love shown there. So tell me...why in the fuck should I EVER believe love is real?
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...