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February 14th...

I hate today.  It's the day of celebrating the worst 4 letter word known to man.  Love.   It's nothing more than a word to hurt people, cause damage and make them delusional.  I have been shown this throughout my whole life.   Parents, brother, family, friends, men.  They say they "love" me but their actions prove otherwise.  My parents leaving me to die after a suicide attempt?  That's obviously letting me know I'm not loved.  Men beating and raping me?  Obviously that is letting me know I'm not loved.  Friends betraying me in uncountable ways?  Definitely letting me know I'm not loved.  Brother telling me I should rot in jail because I'm a shitty mother, shitty person, a failure?  Yeah...no love there.  Family telling me I'm worthless and not wanted in the family?  Again...no love shown there.  So tell me...why in the fuck should I EVER believe love is real?  



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It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...
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