Skip to main content

When you don't matter

 It has been proven to me time and time again how little I matter.   If I feel a certain way about something, it is belittled.  If I am hurt, I am told to apologize to the person who hurt me.  If I state my opinion, I am wrong no matter what the opinion is.    If I were to say "I wish my incubator would have had an abortion" I am told "but then your kids wouldn't have been born.  Everything is always and I mean ALWAYS about someone else.  I am not even remotely considered.  

I hate to be touched and for some reason, I'm wrong.  "Well, you hugged me a couple of times last year".  Yeah...that was me trying to work through the cringe I have when someone touches me.   When I state I hate breathing, it's met with "but you have your grandson".   Let's get one thing perfectly clear...it is because of my grandson that I'm still breathing.  He is the only reason.   I don't live for my family, I don't live for my friends (like they would even give a rats ass if I was dead anyway), I don't live for myself.  I live for my grandson.   There is absolutely no one on this planet who even remotely considers that I have feelings.  I'm just someone to control.  Will my grandson turn into one of those people?  I'm sure he will but until that time...I will live for him. 

I have not mattered to anyone for almost 55 years.  I'm going to enjoy being wanted for the brief time I have the love from my grandson.  Once that is gone, and it will go away someday, I'm going to enjoy it.  As for everyone else...I no longer care.  I'm just a POS in their eyes anyway.  A POS to control, manipulate, belittle and demean.   Who I am and the demons I face mean zero to them.  My hurt FROM their actions means zero to them.  I have a word tattooed on my forehead when they look at me.  It says "doormat" and they have taken full advantage of that.  What do I do to avoid that?  I avoid talking to anyone.  It's not worth it.  I would prefer being a hermit than pretending I'm okay with how little my "friends" consider me.   Friendships aren't important.  Not anymore. 



Popular posts from this blog

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...
Read more

Too much...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...
Read more

A lifetime

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth i...
Read more