It has been proven to me time and time again how little I matter. If I feel a certain way about something, it is belittled. If I am hurt, I am told to apologize to the person who hurt me. If I state my opinion, I am wrong no matter what the opinion is. If I were to say "I wish my incubator would have had an abortion" I am told "but then your kids wouldn't have been born. Everything is always and I mean ALWAYS about someone else. I am not even remotely considered.
I hate to be touched and for some reason, I'm wrong. "Well, you hugged me a couple of times last year". Yeah...that was me trying to work through the cringe I have when someone touches me. When I state I hate breathing, it's met with "but you have your grandson". Let's get one thing perfectly clear...it is because of my grandson that I'm still breathing. He is the only reason. I don't live for my family, I don't live for my friends (like they would even give a rats ass if I was dead anyway), I don't live for myself. I live for my grandson. There is absolutely no one on this planet who even remotely considers that I have feelings. I'm just someone to control. Will my grandson turn into one of those people? I'm sure he will but until that time...I will live for him.
I have not mattered to anyone for almost 55 years. I'm going to enjoy being wanted for the brief time I have the love from my grandson. Once that is gone, and it will go away someday, I'm going to enjoy it. As for everyone else...I no longer care. I'm just a POS in their eyes anyway. A POS to control, manipulate, belittle and demean. Who I am and the demons I face mean zero to them. My hurt FROM their actions means zero to them. I have a word tattooed on my forehead when they look at me. It says "doormat" and they have taken full advantage of that. What do I do to avoid that? I avoid talking to anyone. It's not worth it. I would prefer being a hermit than pretending I'm okay with how little my "friends" consider me. Friendships aren't important. Not anymore.
