I think God just enjoys watching my life being put through a living hell. Does He ever step in? Nope. Even when I am down on my knees asking for Him...He is not there. I just keep getting reminded time after time that I'm nothing short of a throwaway human. At what point do I say "I'm done"? I truly do not know how I can get through this. My grandson keeps me focused on a light but there is going to come an event that even he cannot keep me grounded.
Last night I learned just what my youngest thinks of me. I learned that she is telling people she came from a very abusive home. I've learned that she does not want to be around me because I did not get an injection. Now, if I were to test before visiting her, then she is okay with that. I'm not going to test every time I want to see my child. I thought I was being selfish thinking that but when others agreed with me, it gave me a little bit of relief. I've been chasing my daughter for years, wanting a relationship with her. I've apologized for being such a shitty mother. I was NOT abusive to my children. I wasn't a good mom but I was not abusive. She refuses to forgive me. She holds her grudge with a death-grip and nothing I say or do will ever fix it. Last night broke me. She wins, if this is what you can call a "win". I can't chase her any longer. I lose more and more of myself with every conversation. She was gas-lighing the hell out of me yesterday trying to make me feel guilty for not testing. I'm not showing symptoms so I'm not going to test. There is no reason for it. When I found out it's just me she has issues with, I shut down. I love my daughter. I will always love my daughter but at what point does that trump my love for myself? When do I decide I have to love me more? Do I ever do that or do I just say "I'm just a throwaway doormat. Go ahead and wipe your boots on me"? When do I count? At this point in time...it appears that I don't. But after saying that...have I ever? I realize now...no. I have never mattered. I'm a waste of space and that reality is more than I can handle.
