I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live. I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed. In essence, I've been a mental mess. I didn't know why. I just was. Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness. The demons were still there. When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong. They controlled me. The problem was...I didn't mind it. It was a comfort for me. It was my safe space. I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense.
One year ago I decided I had enough. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it. I went back on medication. It helped...for a while. Then those voices started coming back. "You aren't worth it." "No one loves you and wouldn't miss you if you were gone". It was all day, every day. Doctor upped my medication and it didn't seem to help much. I resigned myself to accepting that this was how my life was going to be. I didn't like it but it was all I had.
Two weeks ago, I had a thyroidectomy. The surgeon removed my right thyroid gland since I was born with just the right and the left never developed. I've been thinking "what in the world have I done?" because of the constant sore throat and feeling of something pressing on my throat, choking me. A couple of days ago, I realized that the demon voices are gone. I wasn't feeling like I was walking around with my brain fog and just mentally not there. I wasn't thinking about the abuse from D. I felt lighter. Not overshadowed by my depression. Is the reason for the thyroid changes? I don't know. I see the endocrinologist next week and that will be a question I have. Am I on the backside of my illness? Am I going to see what life is truly like? Will I finally see myself as worthy? I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of this new mental state of being. It's not what I know. It's foreign to me. I may not ever get used to it but I am willing to tip-toe through and slowly learn to see life as a wonderful thing instead of the burden it has been for all of my 56 years.