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Acceptable lies?

Someone said to me the other day "We love you unconditionally".  That's a lie.  There is no such thing as unconditional love.  There are always conditions.  No matter if it's friends, family, lovers.  There are ALWAYS conditions.  My last boyfriend had many conditions placed on me and when I couldn't meet those conditions, I was sent packing.  The same goes for friends.  If I were to lose my mental faculties, absolutely they would leave me behind.    When I tried to commit suicide at 17 and my parents did nothing to save me where was the "unconditional" love?  It does not exist.  

I'm tired of the pretend love and compassion from people.  I know my worth and it's less than that bug you smashed over the summer.  My last boyfriend saw me for who I am and what I am.  Fat, unattractive, unworthy and definitely not someone to have sex with.  In fact, he made sure I found out he had to fantasize about others just so he could get a hard on and "make love" to me.  He used those very words.   That's not making love.  That's fucking.  Get it right.    

Most of the men in my life have known my worth.  I was just too delusional to see that they were right.  Always thought I deserved more but I was so very wrong.  My family was the same.  Parents who left me to die, a brother who never missed a moment to tell me what a failure I am, friends who made sure I know that they "don't have time for my shit".    I'm a throwaway.   Have been since conception.  I'm just not sure why my incubator didn't have an abortion.  It was 1967...they were available.  My sperm donor didn't want me, incubator didn't want me and then to top it off...my adopted parents didn't want me.  At what point do you think someone won't break mentally after finding that out?  I'll tell you....the moment your adopted mother tells you she didn't save you from a bottle of pills that you chose to swallow.  

In the words of Christian Grey...I am 50 shades of fucked up.  At least I can recognize that and stay to myself.   I don't want to die but I don't want to live.  It's a conundrum and one that I know I will never figure out or understand.  I exist.  That's as good as it gets.  

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