"Out of respect for my fiancé, she would not be comfortable with me talking to you and I'm not comfortable with it either" but yet....BUT YET....he was okay talking to other women while engaged to me, having online sex while still engaged to me, inviting other women to his band gigs while still engaged to me. This lets me know, without a doubt, he never loved me, he never respected me, and he had zero use for me other than to destroy me as a woman. I was so stupid. So incredibly stupid to think he ever had any feelings for me other than disgust and disdain. When I learn these things, I heal just a bit more. I don't think I'll ever be over his abuse but at least I know...he did not ever have any kind of love for me and that tiny bit of hope I held onto thinking he did at one point in our relationship, is now dead. Another reason why I do not believe in love and will never believe in it. Men abuse and men lie. Before I heard those words...there was a very small, and I mean tiny, spark of thinking "maybe I can love". Now? Nope. He just reminded me that I'm not worthy or love or respect. I hate men.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...