I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am. I've been mentally ill my whole life or at least from grade school to now. I've always battled depression. It came across as teenaged angst when I was younger but the older I got, I didn't have an excuse. I was told to just be happy. I wanted to be happy. I really did. I physically could not be that way. I gave myself to those who were abusive. Who took advantage of me. Who treated me less than. I accepted what I thought I deserved. I still think I deserve nothing short of being abused. I don't believe I deserve love.
With my medication and now learning I'm hyperthyroid...I see why I am the way I am. I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid. There is an actual medical reason for why I'm 50 shades of fucked up. My anti-depressants help to a point but they can only do so much. On April 10th, I have an appointment with a surgeon to remove what thyroid I have and I will be put on thyroid medication the rest of my life. Will this cure my 50 shades? I don't think so. I think it will ease some of it. After a lifetime of abuse ranging from sexual, mental, emotional and physical, I don't believe I will ever be okay. I will try to find who I am but honestly...I don't think I will ever know.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...