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Learning

 I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am.  I've been mentally ill my whole life or at least from grade school to now.  I've always battled depression.  It came across as teenaged angst when I was younger but the older I got, I didn't have an excuse.  I was told to just be happy.  I wanted to be happy.  I really did.  I physically could not be that way.  I gave myself to those who were abusive.  Who took advantage of me.  Who treated me less than.  I accepted what I thought I deserved.   I still think I deserve nothing short of being abused.  I don't believe I deserve love.  

With my medication and now learning I'm hyperthyroid...I see why I am the way I am.  I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid.  There is an actual medical reason for why I'm 50 shades of fucked up.   My anti-depressants help to a point but they can only do so much.  On April 10th, I have an appointment with a surgeon to remove what thyroid I have and I will be put on thyroid medication the rest of my life.  Will this cure my 50 shades?  I don't think so.  I think it will ease some of it.  After a lifetime of abuse ranging from sexual, mental, emotional and physical, I don't believe I will ever be okay.  I will try to find who I am but honestly...I don't think I will ever know.  

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