I've been thinking about the things I've done in the last 20 years but, thanks to my memory, I need to make a list so I can actually see that my life wasn't completely horrible.
Las Vegas 6 times
Dallas for a girl's weekend
Forks 4 times for girls' weekends
Cruise to Alaska
Cruise to Bermuda x 2
Cruise to Belize, Honduras, Mexico
Road trip to South Dakota x 2
Southern California for a long weekend
Nashville to judge a beauty pageant.
Nascar races x 2 one being a Championship.
Orlando Florida - Disneyworld and Universal Studios
California - many times
Leavenworth - many times
Girls' weekends - many times
I have more trips coming up with a cruise to Alaska and a cruise around Ireland. A weekend trip to Montana. A girl's week to Vegas. I'm sure there will be more to be planned.
I became a Nana and will be a Nana x 2 this year.
I've been able to purchase 2 homes.
Even though I have battled depression, I have had friends stand steadfast by my side and never leave.
Why am I allowing the monsters, and there were many, destroy the rest of my life? What these people did was inexcusable, and I did not deserve any of it. I've been told, and I agree, that I was handed a shitty hand in life. There was never a point, in my life, that I wasn't facing some type of abuse. From mental, emotional, physical and sexual. I didn't stand a chance at a good life. But...I survived all of it. I don't know why I've survived and what the meaning of my life is. I still believe I was a mistake. Not only from my biological parents' point of view but my adoptive parents. I don't think I will ever get past what they have done to me. I haven't spoken to my adoptive mother in almost 3 years, and I don't believe I will ever speak to her again. She chose this path, and she will have to live with it.
Where do I go from here? I take life one day at a time. I focus on the 24 hours I was given when I wake up in the morning. I focus on the chance to live another day. I focus on the blessing that I get to travel. I focus on the two friends who have stood by me even when I was in the darkest points of my life & I wanted to give up. Will I fall again? Of course, I will. My demons will cause me to stumble. I may be on medication but all that does is quiet them. It does not remove them. Sometimes, their words will get through that screen. It's up to me to not let them walk through that screen. It is a war I will fight the rest of my life. For now, I take my life one day at a time.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...