Found out that the monster is getting married. I had sent him an email telling him how sorry I was that his mom passed away. It was just idle chit chat briefly and then he wrote "I know you'll hear this from someone eventually, but the main thing is that I'm getting married in June" Not sure why he worded it like I was going to be devasted by that bit of news. I'm not. Actually, I feel sorry for her. She has no clue what the hell she is getting into. Unless she knows what a dick he is, and she just doesn't care. Finding that out hit me hard. Not because I want the bastard back and I'm pining over him. I've seen what he looks like. I wouldn't look at him twice or give him the time of day if I saw him walking on the street. What I saw was a POS with a woman who is everything he said I was. Heavy and not attractive. She isn't the only woman he's dated that's been that way. All I can think is "What the actual fuck????". He isn't the only man who has done that. The sperm donor did the same. Told me I was fat; told me I wasn't attractive but the woman he married? Exactly what he told me I was. Why did these men do this? Why did they tell me they didn't want me because I was fat and unattractive only to marry the very thing, they said I was?
I know I'm messed up. I know, after my relationship with the Monster, I did some things I shouldn't have. I was broken and not in my right mind. I own that. What I won't own is the words and destruction these men did to me. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why. Why did they knowingly and happily destroy me as a person. Not just mentally, but emotionally, sexually and physically. The monster KNEW I had been abused in my past and he preyed on it. He used that to his advantage. Maybe to feel better about himself because he knows he is a piece of shit? My life has been a shitshow of abuse. I don't believe in counselors and therapy so that is out of the question. I'm on medication and that is helping a bit. This sounds so petty and horrible but, I hope she destroys him. I hope that she ruins everything has worked so hard for. I hope she takes him for all he is worth. I hope she brings him so low that he will never see the sun. Maybe then he will understand just what he did to me. As he told me, I'm a worthless human being. As the sperm donor told me, I'm a worthless human being. As my family has shown me, I'm a worthless human being. Sad thing is...no one will ever own their abuse directed towards me. It's up to me to find a way to tell all of them "fuck you. I won't let you win" but it's finding the strength to do that. How? How can I find that strength?
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...