Found out that the monster is getting married. I had sent him an email telling him how sorry I was that his mom passed away. It was just idle chit chat briefly and then he wrote "I know you'll hear this from someone eventually, but the main thing is that I'm getting married in June" Not sure why he worded it like I was going to be devasted by that bit of news. I'm not. Actually, I feel sorry for her. She has no clue what the hell she is getting into. Unless she knows what a dick he is, and she just doesn't care. Finding that out hit me hard. Not because I want the bastard back and I'm pining over him. I've seen what he looks like. I wouldn't look at him twice or give him the time of day if I saw him walking on the street. What I saw was a POS with a woman who is everything he said I was. Heavy and not attractive. She isn't the only woman he's dated that's been that way. All I can think is "What the actual fuck????". He isn't the only man who has done that. The sperm donor did the same. Told me I was fat; told me I wasn't attractive but the woman he married? Exactly what he told me I was. Why did these men do this? Why did they tell me they didn't want me because I was fat and unattractive only to marry the very thing, they said I was?
I know I'm messed up. I know, after my relationship with the Monster, I did some things I shouldn't have. I was broken and not in my right mind. I own that. What I won't own is the words and destruction these men did to me. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why. Why did they knowingly and happily destroy me as a person. Not just mentally, but emotionally, sexually and physically. The monster KNEW I had been abused in my past and he preyed on it. He used that to his advantage. Maybe to feel better about himself because he knows he is a piece of shit? My life has been a shitshow of abuse. I don't believe in counselors and therapy so that is out of the question. I'm on medication and that is helping a bit. This sounds so petty and horrible but, I hope she destroys him. I hope that she ruins everything has worked so hard for. I hope she takes him for all he is worth. I hope she brings him so low that he will never see the sun. Maybe then he will understand just what he did to me. As he told me, I'm a worthless human being. As the sperm donor told me, I'm a worthless human being. As my family has shown me, I'm a worthless human being. Sad thing is...no one will ever own their abuse directed towards me. It's up to me to find a way to tell all of them "fuck you. I won't let you win" but it's finding the strength to do that. How? How can I find that strength?
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...