Skip to main content

My executioners

Well...it's that time again. A mammogram and ultrasound. Much to my disappointment...the lump has grown. Stress has been a major factor in my life for the past 2 months. I couldn't find a foundation that pays for mammograms!!! Finally 2 weeks ago I was able to get ahold of a woman who heads up a foundation in Wenatchee. I set up an appointment which is this Friday. I'll be perfect honest...I'm terrified. I just do not have a good feeling about this one.

This all brings me to my title. Everytime I look in the mirror I see nothing more than my executioners. It's like they are mocking me. Taunting me...saying "We will kill you one day..." I contacted a friend of mine who has a charitable foundation and while swallowing my pride...I asked him for help. I don't have health insurance so having prophylactic surgery is not something I can even remotely budget for. He sent me an application last week. Seeing how I'm poorer than a church mouse...I have faith and do believe he will help me. Good grief...he spent $10,000 on me for a weekend in Vegas. I'm sure he will do this. Oh...in case you don't know what type of surgery I'm talking about...I am wanting to have my breasts removed and then reconstructed. It's more common than you would think. With having 3 strikes against me...my oncologist said it's a definate option for me. Nice huh? No insides and now no outsides. LOL At least I can have boobs that will be perkier and up where there are supposed to be after the surgery. ;)

So my friends...I'm in limbo at this moment in time. I will know more in the coming week. Once I do I will let ya'all know.

Popular posts from this blog

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...
Read more

Too much...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...
Read more

A lifetime

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth i...
Read more