I have been needing to say this for a very long time. Like 15 years long. You have been under the impression that I am still hung up on you, have feelings for you and wishing we could get back together. I need to make one thing perfectly clear. You are dead wrong. I have not felt any of those things for you in many many years. I can understand though you questioning why this is directed towards you. I'll tell you why. Because you broke me. You were the straw that broke the camels back. Let's get into the why's shall we?
When you met me you knew, as I did not keep secrets from you, that I had been abused. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. You KNEW this!!! What did you do with that bit of information? You exploited it. You used it for your own gain. You used it to destroy who I was. I was a very positive person when you met me. I felt good about myself. I liked who I was and where my life was. I had a great job, a nice apartment, a new car and two amazing daughters. When I moved in with you...all of that changed. I slowly started to hate who I was. I'll give part of it to not being able to find a job right away. That would get to anyone. Most of it came from you. There was not one thing I did in my life that you could compliment me on. Everything you found fault in. When I was singing in the car you told me to never ever sing again. The way I drove. The way I cleaned house, the way I cooked, the way I would care for my children, the old filling I had in my front tooth, the way I dressed, my makeup, my hair. Didn't matter what it was. You found fault. Do you remember telling me that you wanted to get some lunch and asked what I wanted so I said "Let me see what the girls want" and your response was "Oh, I don't have enough money for them. I'm only buying for me and you". I told you to go get your food as I would not get food for me and not my kids. I should have left you right then. I didn't. Foolishly, I didn't.
I totally understand that you did not know how to be a dad when I moved in with you. I didn't expect you to know how and I certainly did not expect you to be one. What I did expect was you to be kind and compassionate towards my children. That didn't happen. It is over 15 years since they have lived with you but they remember, very clearly, how you would yell at them for not untying their shoes, for taking their clothes off inside out, for every little minor infraction they did....they remember. You weren't a dad or father figure. You were a dictator. I finally reached a point where I told them to just stay away from you as much as they could when you were home. Why? To avoid pissing you off and you chewing them out again. You would dictate who I was going to visit when we came back to our hometown. If I wanted to see a friend you would say no until I threw a big enough fit that you allowed it for a little while. You didn't want to visit my family but you certainly made sure we spent weekends with your family. My parents saw right through you and they knew you were controlling me just as I had been controlled by a man from my past.
Do you remember when I was going to schedule my hysterectomy and I did not know how things would be after and what I would be like? You told me that you would be able to handle it and would help me. That you loved me and would stand by me. You lied. You didn't stand by me. You bailed within weeks of my surgery. You were having an online affair with a married woman named Barbie. You were saying I had let myself go. Well no kidding smart one. I had a major surgery removing major organs from my body. I wasn't quite myself. Yes, I gained weight. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I lost all sense of who I was. Yes I was depressed. All women go through it! You were not my support system throughout my recovery. You were my set back to my recovery. Not one kind word came out of your mouth towards me. It was nothing but hate and disgust. You refused to even kiss me like a man who loves his fiancee'. Sex was now out of the question but if you did you "had to fantasize about other women just to make love to Tracey". Yes, you said that to Barbie and you cannot deny it. Well you can but you know in your heart that is exactly what you said. You let me know, under no uncertain terms that I was the cause for you not being able to get a hard on. You let me know that I was too heavy and unattractive. You never said "fat" so you used "heavy". How kind of you. Stupidly, I remained.
We finally get to the point of saying this is over. What was the reason to continue? Oh...well you said that you didn't want to break up because you didn't want another failed relationship. Thanks for that by the way. It's very heartwarming for me to remember those kind words. I decided I was going to move August 1, 2004 and you asked me to stay until September. A small glimmer of hope sprang up and I asked you a very simple "why?". Your response? Because you didn't want to pay the full months rent for August. Yeah...I should have known better to think you cared. So, while I am packing my stuff and my daughters stuff, I looked at the history of the computer. Imagine my surprise when I found over 300 links/pictures/videos of online porn. All watched in less than one week. A light went off at that point. It wasn't me. Well...it was because I'm reality but the struggle solely fell upon you. You were (and might still be) an online porn addict. No wonder you couldn't get it up. You were so desensitized to what an actual REAL woman looked like that nothing could have worked for you. You wanted the fantasy. I knew, at that specific moment, I had made the right decision. Granted, leaving wasn't easy because for some unknown reason, I still loved you. At least what I thought was love. Now, over a decade later, it wasn't love. I'm not sure what it was to be perfectly honest with you. I do know that you didn't love me. When I lived in Seattle, you love the fantasy of me. When I moved in with you in Wen, you didn't love the reality of me.
Even after I moved out, you still enjoyed getting your digs in. You even asked me for the phone number of a friend of mine because you wanted to ask her out. A friend I have known since the age of 15!!!! Remember I met you for lunch one day with my kids? You said you would buy their lunch but I had to buy my own. Seriously? What kind of person says that? Oh and by the way...no, you didn't buy their lunch. I did. Remember telling me that my friends and family sided with me because they only knew my side and not yours? That tells me you are so narcissistic that my very own friends would have abandoned me for you because you were the only one that was wronged. Of course my friends would side with me. They love me and will defend me just as yours did for you. I didn't feel the need to give your friends and family my side of the situation so they could make a choice on who to believe. For you to have said that is just disgusting.
I don't understand your need to belittle and degrade me. First I was too heavy and then when I dropped the weight, I was too thin. I was always "too" something and just never quite measured up. It seems you got off on belittling me as much as you possibly could. Years later...you would still make your remarks and comments when we would chat. Telling me what I should post on Facebook, what to write in my blog, to let go of you and move on, what I should say so men would like me, do this, don't do that, how i should view Christianity, that my thoughts and views are wrong, that my house needs to be cleaned, it went on and on. It was the same crap just a different scenario. Ah....but then I heard that little whisper one day in November 2018, that I usually ignore. It told me to remove anything and everything that is associated with you from my life. Guess what? I did that. Every last letter, email, picture, gift, phone number and even having you on Facebook was thrown away and deleted. I expected you to message me asking why because it's what you've done in the past. You message and guilt me into thinking I'm wrong in doing what I think is best for me. But you didn't! You shocked me with that one. I appreciate that you didn't but it still shocked me.
I know you have a new girlfriend. Good for you. What really got to me though is this. She is everything you said I was. Heavy and unattractive. Do you know what that tells me? It tells me that you enjoyed abusing me. You enjoyed controlling me. It gave you some sense of feeling superior to me. That makes you a monster. A cruel and evil monster. Don't get me wrong...I know I did some things in our relationship that I'm not proud of and I will never claim to have been perfect. I failed many times while we were together but I can say this...I never EVER belittled you to the point of destroying your spirit, your self esteem and your views on love.
This letter does not require now nor will it ever require a comment from you, if in fact you see it but then again....Ronna and Kim seem to get their jollies off of running to you with anything I say and do so who knows...you just might see this. Here is my request from you...do not write to me. Do not message me. Do not call me. You don't matter to me. Your words mean nothing from today forward. Your words from the past I struggle with each and every day. Fifteen years later and I still see the ugly fat woman you made sure I believed I was. It's difficult because I'm told daily, that I'm beautiful and look great. I'm healing and it will probably take the rest of my life to truly recover. You weren't the only cause to my circumstances regarding how I view myself and relationships. There were men ahead of you who paved the way for you to completely finish me off. I don't thoroughly blame you but you were the last and most definitely the worst. As I said, you knew I had been abused in my past and you preyed on that. You used it to your advantage and THAT is what makes you a monster.
I would like to wish you all of the best in life but truthfully...I can't. I'll forgive you but I don't care if you never find love because honestly, you don't deserve it.
When you met me you knew, as I did not keep secrets from you, that I had been abused. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. You KNEW this!!! What did you do with that bit of information? You exploited it. You used it for your own gain. You used it to destroy who I was. I was a very positive person when you met me. I felt good about myself. I liked who I was and where my life was. I had a great job, a nice apartment, a new car and two amazing daughters. When I moved in with you...all of that changed. I slowly started to hate who I was. I'll give part of it to not being able to find a job right away. That would get to anyone. Most of it came from you. There was not one thing I did in my life that you could compliment me on. Everything you found fault in. When I was singing in the car you told me to never ever sing again. The way I drove. The way I cleaned house, the way I cooked, the way I would care for my children, the old filling I had in my front tooth, the way I dressed, my makeup, my hair. Didn't matter what it was. You found fault. Do you remember telling me that you wanted to get some lunch and asked what I wanted so I said "Let me see what the girls want" and your response was "Oh, I don't have enough money for them. I'm only buying for me and you". I told you to go get your food as I would not get food for me and not my kids. I should have left you right then. I didn't. Foolishly, I didn't.
I totally understand that you did not know how to be a dad when I moved in with you. I didn't expect you to know how and I certainly did not expect you to be one. What I did expect was you to be kind and compassionate towards my children. That didn't happen. It is over 15 years since they have lived with you but they remember, very clearly, how you would yell at them for not untying their shoes, for taking their clothes off inside out, for every little minor infraction they did....they remember. You weren't a dad or father figure. You were a dictator. I finally reached a point where I told them to just stay away from you as much as they could when you were home. Why? To avoid pissing you off and you chewing them out again. You would dictate who I was going to visit when we came back to our hometown. If I wanted to see a friend you would say no until I threw a big enough fit that you allowed it for a little while. You didn't want to visit my family but you certainly made sure we spent weekends with your family. My parents saw right through you and they knew you were controlling me just as I had been controlled by a man from my past.
Do you remember when I was going to schedule my hysterectomy and I did not know how things would be after and what I would be like? You told me that you would be able to handle it and would help me. That you loved me and would stand by me. You lied. You didn't stand by me. You bailed within weeks of my surgery. You were having an online affair with a married woman named Barbie. You were saying I had let myself go. Well no kidding smart one. I had a major surgery removing major organs from my body. I wasn't quite myself. Yes, I gained weight. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I lost all sense of who I was. Yes I was depressed. All women go through it! You were not my support system throughout my recovery. You were my set back to my recovery. Not one kind word came out of your mouth towards me. It was nothing but hate and disgust. You refused to even kiss me like a man who loves his fiancee'. Sex was now out of the question but if you did you "had to fantasize about other women just to make love to Tracey". Yes, you said that to Barbie and you cannot deny it. Well you can but you know in your heart that is exactly what you said. You let me know, under no uncertain terms that I was the cause for you not being able to get a hard on. You let me know that I was too heavy and unattractive. You never said "fat" so you used "heavy". How kind of you. Stupidly, I remained.
We finally get to the point of saying this is over. What was the reason to continue? Oh...well you said that you didn't want to break up because you didn't want another failed relationship. Thanks for that by the way. It's very heartwarming for me to remember those kind words. I decided I was going to move August 1, 2004 and you asked me to stay until September. A small glimmer of hope sprang up and I asked you a very simple "why?". Your response? Because you didn't want to pay the full months rent for August. Yeah...I should have known better to think you cared. So, while I am packing my stuff and my daughters stuff, I looked at the history of the computer. Imagine my surprise when I found over 300 links/pictures/videos of online porn. All watched in less than one week. A light went off at that point. It wasn't me. Well...it was because I'm reality but the struggle solely fell upon you. You were (and might still be) an online porn addict. No wonder you couldn't get it up. You were so desensitized to what an actual REAL woman looked like that nothing could have worked for you. You wanted the fantasy. I knew, at that specific moment, I had made the right decision. Granted, leaving wasn't easy because for some unknown reason, I still loved you. At least what I thought was love. Now, over a decade later, it wasn't love. I'm not sure what it was to be perfectly honest with you. I do know that you didn't love me. When I lived in Seattle, you love the fantasy of me. When I moved in with you in Wen, you didn't love the reality of me.
Even after I moved out, you still enjoyed getting your digs in. You even asked me for the phone number of a friend of mine because you wanted to ask her out. A friend I have known since the age of 15!!!! Remember I met you for lunch one day with my kids? You said you would buy their lunch but I had to buy my own. Seriously? What kind of person says that? Oh and by the way...no, you didn't buy their lunch. I did. Remember telling me that my friends and family sided with me because they only knew my side and not yours? That tells me you are so narcissistic that my very own friends would have abandoned me for you because you were the only one that was wronged. Of course my friends would side with me. They love me and will defend me just as yours did for you. I didn't feel the need to give your friends and family my side of the situation so they could make a choice on who to believe. For you to have said that is just disgusting.
I don't understand your need to belittle and degrade me. First I was too heavy and then when I dropped the weight, I was too thin. I was always "too" something and just never quite measured up. It seems you got off on belittling me as much as you possibly could. Years later...you would still make your remarks and comments when we would chat. Telling me what I should post on Facebook, what to write in my blog, to let go of you and move on, what I should say so men would like me, do this, don't do that, how i should view Christianity, that my thoughts and views are wrong, that my house needs to be cleaned, it went on and on. It was the same crap just a different scenario. Ah....but then I heard that little whisper one day in November 2018, that I usually ignore. It told me to remove anything and everything that is associated with you from my life. Guess what? I did that. Every last letter, email, picture, gift, phone number and even having you on Facebook was thrown away and deleted. I expected you to message me asking why because it's what you've done in the past. You message and guilt me into thinking I'm wrong in doing what I think is best for me. But you didn't! You shocked me with that one. I appreciate that you didn't but it still shocked me.
I know you have a new girlfriend. Good for you. What really got to me though is this. She is everything you said I was. Heavy and unattractive. Do you know what that tells me? It tells me that you enjoyed abusing me. You enjoyed controlling me. It gave you some sense of feeling superior to me. That makes you a monster. A cruel and evil monster. Don't get me wrong...I know I did some things in our relationship that I'm not proud of and I will never claim to have been perfect. I failed many times while we were together but I can say this...I never EVER belittled you to the point of destroying your spirit, your self esteem and your views on love.
This letter does not require now nor will it ever require a comment from you, if in fact you see it but then again....Ronna and Kim seem to get their jollies off of running to you with anything I say and do so who knows...you just might see this. Here is my request from you...do not write to me. Do not message me. Do not call me. You don't matter to me. Your words mean nothing from today forward. Your words from the past I struggle with each and every day. Fifteen years later and I still see the ugly fat woman you made sure I believed I was. It's difficult because I'm told daily, that I'm beautiful and look great. I'm healing and it will probably take the rest of my life to truly recover. You weren't the only cause to my circumstances regarding how I view myself and relationships. There were men ahead of you who paved the way for you to completely finish me off. I don't thoroughly blame you but you were the last and most definitely the worst. As I said, you knew I had been abused in my past and you preyed on that. You used it to your advantage and THAT is what makes you a monster.
I would like to wish you all of the best in life but truthfully...I can't. I'll forgive you but I don't care if you never find love because honestly, you don't deserve it.