Life as I know it...

 They say they understand.  They say they know you have troubles that you need to work through based upon your history.  What they don't tell you is they are lying.  They don't understand.  They use your troubles against you.  They call your mental illness 'I'm tired of dealing with their shit' and mock you.   There comes a point where trusting is no longer an option.  There comes a point when letting anyone close is out of the question.   That happened on Monday.   I didn't expect much from a couple of friends who are no longer friends.  I knew I would pretty much be a "Drama Queen" in their minds.  I always have been.  Didn't expect less from them.  I have major issues from my history.  I won't lie about that.  In the words of Christian Grey "I'm fifty shades of fucked up".  It seems very few truly grasp that and think "it can't be as bad as she is saying".  Yes...yes it is.  ...

 Finding out my parents knew I overdosed at the age of 17 and they did nothing to save me or get help for me has told me precisely just what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.   Having a daughter who gaslights me whenever I blow up after being used as a doormat for months has told me precisely what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.  When my daughter has medical issues and she only called because she had to told me precisely what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.  What is saving my life right now?  A life insurance policy with a suicide clause.  Why?  Because my life is  worth $50,000.  Why wait?  Because I won't stick my family with my debt.   They may think very little of me and have no use for me but at the least they won't be burdened with a monetary issue at my death.   December 1, 2021.  The day my life can change and the countdow...

After all this time I realized something...it wasn't me.  It was all him.  I cannot prove what I finally believe but maybe one day he will be honest with himself.  I truly believe that he is gay.  It all adds up.  Not only to me but to my family.   Things I won't get into because there is no sense rehashing that crap over and over.  Everything makes perfect sense now.  The struggle lies within him and his demons.  He won't accept his truth no matter who he hurts.  Yes, he did hurt me and he did so maliciously and with cruel intent however, if he had only been honest with himself, so many people would have been spared.  I pray one day he can be who he is and stop with the games and hurt.    It's 2020...there shouldn't be shame in coming out.  Be who you are and find your peace.  Only then can you truly live your life. Until then?  Your life is nothing more than a lie.

Is for God to take you home. 

I've experienced all of it and anyone who says emotional and mental abuse isn't truly abuse needs to step into someone's shoes who have lived it.  To those who have done the latter paragraph...man up and apologize because if you don't...you are no different than the monster who raises their fist.

You're too fat You're too thin You're too pretty You're not pretty enough Seriously. These are things that have been said to me by men.   Men who have asked me out.  Men who have proposed marriage.  I want to understand why.  Why do these men feel that it is within their rights to say hurtful things to me?  It just doesn't make sense.  I've become cynical. Extremely cynical when it comes to men, relationships and the dreaded "L" word.  Love. What an ugly four letter word that is.  LOVE.  People don't mean it anymore.  It's just another word to throw around.  But, say that word and you believe you are given the right to say whatever you feel is okay to the person you just said you love.  Whether it is a compliment or verbal abuse. I don't believe in love.  I haven't in a very long time.  It may work for others and that's great but in my world?  Not at all.  For me,  love means being abused, treat...

I have been needing to say this for a very long time.  Like 15 years long.  You have been under the impression that I am still hung up on you, have feelings for you and wishing we could get back together.  I need to make one thing perfectly clear.  You are dead wrong.  I have not felt any of those things for you in many many years.  I can understand though  you questioning why this is directed towards you.  I'll tell you why.  Because you broke me.  You were the straw that broke the camels back.  Let's get into the why's shall we? When you met me you knew, as I did not keep secrets from you, that I had been abused.  Not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  You KNEW this!!!  What did you do with that bit of information?  You exploited it.  You used it for your own gain.  You used it to destroy who I was.  I was a very positive person when you met me.  I felt good about myself. ...