Not knowing is the worst

I have been in and out of the hospital this week. Reason being? Chest pain and tingling in my left arm. Not a good thing right? I didn't think so either. I got home about an hour ago from my last jaunt to the ER and here is what I know....NOTHING!!! I have had a CT scan, 2 EKG's, 2 chest xrays and multitudes of blood work done. The only thing I do know is that I have not had a heart attack. Well there is good news.

They were going to keep me tonight but the doctor finally said I could go home and that I needed to schedule an appointment a stress/echo test. Oh joy! Oh rapture! I get to go in and let them hurt me some more!!! I hate getting old. It's either that or the stress I'm dealing with from a certain spermdonor who refuses to grow up!

I'm off to bed now with my nitro patch (which by the way helps tremendously) and get some well needed sleep. *sigh*

Too much...

There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...

2004 - 2023

Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...

People who say they love you...

Shouldn't be the very people who hurt you the most. For me, the worst damage comes from those who said they loved me and they were the people who destroyed me. And people wonder why I don't believe in love.

Life as I know it...

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