Not knowing is the worst

I have been in and out of the hospital this week. Reason being? Chest pain and tingling in my left arm. Not a good thing right? I didn't think so either. I got home about an hour ago from my last jaunt to the ER and here is what I know....NOTHING!!! I have had a CT scan, 2 EKG's, 2 chest xrays and multitudes of blood work done. The only thing I do know is that I have not had a heart attack. Well there is good news.

They were going to keep me tonight but the doctor finally said I could go home and that I needed to schedule an appointment a stress/echo test. Oh joy! Oh rapture! I get to go in and let them hurt me some more!!! I hate getting old. It's either that or the stress I'm dealing with from a certain spermdonor who refuses to grow up!

I'm off to bed now with my nitro patch (which by the way helps tremendously) and get some well needed sleep. *sigh*

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...

Too much...

There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...

A lifetime

I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live. I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed. In essence, I've been a mental mess. I didn't know why. I just was. Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness. The demons were still there. When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong. They controlled me. The problem was...I didn't mind it. It was a comfort for me. It was my safe space. I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it. I went back on medication. It helped...for a while. Then those voices started coming back. "You aren't worth i...

Life as I know it...

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