Life as I know it...

 Each day that passes is a day I see my life, past and present, a bit clearer.  I see who I am and who I've always been.  I grew up in a house where love wasn't something we said or showed.  I realize now, I wasn't taught how to love.  I had a brother who was very verbally abusive towards me and a mom who just didn't seem to care.  Her focus was on my brother.  My dad was quiet and didn't say a whole lot of anything.  My parents were raised in homes that didn't show or say love so they carried that into the raising of their kids.  My brother is the same way.    I looked at a photo of my mom today and I felt like I was looking at a stranger.  I always wanted a mom and I would do everything I could to make my mom into that person.  She just isn't and I can see that no matter how much I sugar-coat who she is and what she did to me, the reality of it is that she didn't want me.  She made that very clear 3 years ago.  It's trying to grasp that I was truly

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or emotionally abuse me.  It's like he got o

 How does a person accept the truth that they were not wanted?  How can you wrap your mind around that and still be okay living your life?  Knowing my biological parents didn't want me and finding out my biological father flat out told the incubator "Get rid of it" isn't the greatest feeling.  Then to find out my adoptive parents left me alone after I took a bunch of pills is more than my mind can accept.  Both sets of parents threw me away.  I truly do not know how to come to grips with that information.  It makes sense why I cannot love or accept love.  I was never shown love as a child.   I was a throw-away. I know, with all that I am, how I was treated as a child, is why I am drawn to abusive men.  I was taught to believe that is all I deserve.  After my relationship with D, I dated a bit and each man was controlling.  I decided to not date once I realized I am tired of being abused.  Only one man wasn't abusive but I was too messed up mentally, the relationsh

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4 or 5 times, so, based upon that

  Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth it." "No one loves you and wouldn't miss you if yo