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Who am I?

I look in the mirror daily and wonder who the hell I am. I was thinking this morning "Okay...I'm not gay. I'm not bi but I'm sure as hell not straight". I don't like sex. I don't like relationships in the romantic sense. I just don't know where I fit or where I belong. I was part of a group of women who had girls weekends. GWO. I started GWO for all of us. I thought it was a good idea. Somewhere along the lines I wasn't part of that group. Not through anything they have done. It's me. All me. I know they felt it too. They see that I'm someone different and even though they won't say it...I'm not someone they would like to spend a weekend around. I'm not angry about it. I'm not even playing the martyr about it. My life is so different from their's. Everyone is married or has a partner. Their children are grown or they have someone who can take care of their children for a weekend. If a GWO weekend falls on a weekend I have my kids...I don't go anywhere. I get my kids 2 weekends out of the month. I won't leave them to do something for myself. I don't have that luxury. The only reason I signed up for the cruise is because my kids won't be with me. Summer vacation is the only real time I have for me. I've tried telling them that but it's not something within their realm of thinking so it doesn't mean a whole lot. I can't understand their married life so I certainly don't expect them to understand my life. So instead of being hurt I have chosen to remove myself from the group. It's easier for me to say I made the decision instead of letting myself believe and realize I was actually left out.

People tell me how I should feel and that the way I view things is wrong or BS. That has happened my whole life. I've been invalidated by almost everyone I know. To be honest...the only people who haven't done that are people within my Twi-family. They accept me without judgement or telling me how I need to be, think or feel. I don't have to wear my mask when I'm with them or talk to them. Only one woman out of the GWO group I feel cares about who I am. The rest I don't think would show up to my funeral.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I've learned that life isn't what we start out thinking it is. After all of the abuse I've gone through I've given up on letting anyone close. I have friends but I don't have a best friend. I refuse to become involved with anyone romantically. There is way too much damage from a lifetime of being criticized, belittled, demeaned, beaten, raped, and thrown away. I've closed myself off. There isn't the option for anyone to get close to me. I stick to myself for the most part. I'm not a complete hermit but close enough to keep me comfortable in this life.

What I would like to know is...are there others out there like me? Have they almost completely shut down like I have? Have they realized their life is much easier and better keeping people at an arms length? Do they no longer have romantic feelings? Is there anyone out there like me?



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