Life as I know it...

 He said "Take that red lipstick off. You look like a whore". I took the lipstick off. He said "You're too heavy" so I lost weight. He then said "You're too thin". He said "You're pretty but I date much prettier women" He said "I forgot I asked you out on a date" when I asked him what time we were going out. He said "I didn't stand you up. You didn't remind me we had a date". He said "don't ever sing again" when I was singing in the car. He said "I'm the best you are ever going to get" after he hit me. He said "I have to fantasize about other women just to have sex with Tracey". So many more "He saids" that, thankfully, I cannot remember, but...I'm not going to listen to the "he saids" any longer. It's time I start loving myself and knowing that the problems were not with me. The problems were with "he".  All of those "h...

 "Out of respect for my fiancé, she would not be comfortable with me talking to you and I'm not comfortable with it either" but yet.... BUT YET ....he was okay talking to other women while engaged to me, having online sex while still engaged to me, inviting other women to his band gigs while still engaged to me.  This lets me know, without a doubt, he never loved me, he never respected me, and he had zero use for me other than to destroy me as a woman.  I was so stupid.  So incredibly stupid to think he ever had any feelings for me other than disgust and disdain.    When I learn these things, I heal just a bit more.  I don't think I'll ever be over his abuse but at least I know...he did not ever have any kind of love for me and that tiny bit of hope I held onto thinking he did at one point in our relationship, is now dead.   Another reason why I do not believe in love and will never believe in it.  Men abuse and men lie.  Before I h...

I've been thinking about the things I've done in the last 20 years but, thanks to my memory, I need to make a list so I can actually see that my life wasn't completely horrible. Las Vegas 6 times Dallas for a girl's weekend Forks 4 times for girls' weekends Cruise to Alaska Cruise to Bermuda x 2 Cruise to Belize, Honduras, Mexico Road trip to South Dakota x 2 Southern California for a long weekend Nashville to judge a beauty pageant. Nascar races x 2 one being a Championship. Orlando Florida - Disneyworld and Universal Studios California - many times Leavenworth - many times Girls' weekends - many times I have more trips coming up with a cruise to Alaska and a cruise around Ireland. A weekend trip to Montana.  A girl's week to Vegas.  I'm sure there will be more to be planned. I became a Nana and will be a Nana x 2 this year.   I've been able to purchase 2 homes. Even though I have battled depression, I have had friends stand steadfast by my side and...

Found out that the monster is getting married.  I had sent him an email telling him how sorry I was that his mom passed away.  It was just idle chit chat briefly and then he wrote "I know you'll hear this from someone eventually, but the main thing is that I'm getting married in June" Not sure why he worded it like I was going to be devasted by that bit of news.  I'm not.  Actually, I feel sorry for her.  She has no clue what the hell she is getting into. Unless she knows what a dick he is, and she just doesn't care.   Finding that out hit me hard.  Not because I want the bastard back and I'm pining over him.  I've seen what he looks like.  I wouldn't look at him twice or give him the time of day if I saw him walking on the street.  What I saw was a POS with a woman who is everything he said I was.  Heavy and not attractive.  She isn't the only woman he's dated that's been that way.  All I can think is "What the actua...

 I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am.  I've been mentally ill my whole life or at least from grade school to now.  I've always battled depression.  It came across as teenaged angst when I was younger but the older I got, I didn't have an excuse.  I was told to just be happy.  I wanted to be happy.  I really did.  I physically could not be that way.  I gave myself to those who were abusive.  Who took advantage of me.  Who treated me less than.  I accepted what I thought I deserved.   I still think I deserve nothing short of being abused.  I don't believe I deserve love.   With my medication and now learning I'm hyperthyroid...I see why I am the way I am.  I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid.  There is an actual medical reason for why I'm 50 shades of fucked up.   My anti-depressants help to a point but they can only do so much.  On April 10th, I have an appointment with...

 I do not believe in romantic love.  Simple as that.  I'm so tired of people saying "You will find it one day" "Don't judge all men based upon your past" "It will hit you one day and you will fall in love".  Okay...let's get one thing straight....nope, nope, and nope.  I don't judge all men based upon the monster because let's face it, he's the worst male I've ever dated.  Even compared to the douche canoe who beat me, the Monster is way worse.    Just my view but honestly, I should have never been born.  I've looked back on my life, seen how shitty men have treated me, how friends have betrayed me, how family has belittled me, harmed me...at what point do I think my life has worth or meaning?  It doesn't.  From conception, I was unwanted.  As a child, I was unwanted.  I'm now 55 years old and the way I see myself is...a nothing.    Being on medication is a double-edged sword for me.  Before the meds, my dem...

 It has been 2 months and I have seen and felt so many changes in who I am.  I feel lighter.  I feel human and...this is the great part...I don't feel the demons as strongly.  I don't feel my abusers anymore.  They have become a distant memory.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still battling their abuse but it's not taking over my life.  I've learned to fight it and control the words they said to me.  I still look in the mirror and see a fat ugly woman but I'm slowly starting to SEE me for what and who I actually am.   It isn't easy though.  I've lived a lifetime of seeing a nothing in the mirror.    I know what I need to do but it's going to be tough to follow through.  I need to start dating again.  I need to believe I'm worth loving.  I need to believe I deserve it.    I have a freaking lifetime of never being enough.  I'm honestly not sure I can do it.  I'm still weak in that area.  Not ...