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Okay...where's Tracey and what did you do with her?

Today I found out that a guy I used to date is moving into an assisted living facility. Apparently he has some dystrophy in his nerves and has no use of his legs and is in a wheelchair. We were both 21 when we dated. He was someone that started me on the "do not trust men" road. After putting up with the lies, the cheating and the humiliation for over a year the relationship ended. I never looked back nor did I want anything to do with him. Every once in awhile I would hear something about him and I would take it with a grain of salt. I figured it was more lies. He was soooo good at that. Lie after lie after lie would come out of that man's mouth. Now I sit here and still question if he is still lying and creating this medical condition. I should feel bad for him. I should have some kind of compassion and sympathy for him. I don't. I feel nothing but "Oh well...Karma's a bitch isn't it?". Where did that come from??? That is so unlike me to not feel any kind of anything for someone who is suffering.

I haven't thought of this man in years and have put my experience with him in a little box and placed it on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind. After learning of his problem I've thought of almost nothing but him today. Why? I thought I had forgiven him. I thought I had gotten past what he had done to me. It was 20 freaking years ago!!! Makes me wonder...am I still holding onto every hurt that has ever been done to me by a man? I know I've let the crap that happened with Darren go. When he said he couldn't be friends with me because I'm honest and will tell the truth in all instances I knew that the hold he had on me was finally broken. I have not spoken to or communicated with him since my birthday this year.

Wow!!! Talk about an eye opener. I keep running from any kind of relationship or even getting to know someone out of fear of getting hurt again. Is it the residual pain from past relationships that is still holding me back? Am I still holding onto it with a vice grip and not willing to let it go? I can't help but think that I just found my problem. Until I let go of the morons who tainted my views of love and relationships...I will never meet my Edward.

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