Friday October 10th...off to Seattle I go

Yep...I am heading to Seattle on the 10th. Not for any kinds of fun and excitement though. Well...I will be a little loopy after noon that day. I'm going in for my MRI. Seeing how I am completely and totally claustrophobic...they are going to drug me. A "mild" sedative. Whatever. That is what they said when I was heading in for my hyster. Once they introduced the sedative into my IV I was out before they even wheeled me to the door. I'm a serious pansyass when it comes to medication. One vicodin and I'm out. WHEE!!! So with that said...I will be bringing someone to drive me home. Hopefully I will be back to normal after a 2 1/2 hour drive.

Once the MRI is out of the way and my Doc has read it I will be scheduling the surgery. I've decided that if there isn't cancer to be found...I will put off surgery until after April. I will be off of work for 2 weeks and I will have one week vacation coming to me in April. Not getting paid for a week is so much easier than 2. All is going to be good for me.

Too much...

There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...

2004 - 2023

Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...

People who say they love you...

Shouldn't be the very people who hurt you the most. For me, the worst damage comes from those who said they loved me and they were the people who destroyed me. And people wonder why I don't believe in love.

Life as I know it...

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