Well I made an appointment today. I was hoping I could get it done here in town. Sounds odd huh? Well my gyno is in Wenatchee. After I moved back to helltown I refused to change my doctor. Once you find a good gynecologist...you stick with him/her. Wenatchee is only an hour and 45 minutes away so it's not a huge deal for me. After talking to the nurse..who by the way is the BEST nurse I have ever known. Anyway...she said that I will have a mammogram but I will also have to have an ultrasound. She said they are not approaching this as a routine exam but as a symptomatic exam. I did ask her about the pain and is that usually associated with cancer. She said no. That put me at ease a bit. Not completely mind you but it's not forefront in my mind now. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me. It came from nowhere. I was feeling just fine all day Saturday and then WHAM!!! I was knocked for a loop. I'm having a tough time concentrating which makes work kinda tough. I'm glad that Steven is gone tomorrow. I won't have much to do. I usually don't when he is out of the office. I told him what I'm dealing with and he was very concerned. His wife had found a lump awhile ago and immediately went in to get it checked. He said that it's better to be safe than sorry. I fully agree with him. Have I ever mentioned that I have the best boss ever? I may only work part time and I don't make massive amounts of money...but my work environment and the flexibility I have completely outweighs any other job out there. There are days when I think that I should look for a fulltime, better paying job. Then I think "Am I out of my mind???". I would completely regret it if I did. Nope...I shall stay where I am. :) This whole situation has caused me to just want to be proactive and have a double mastectomy and not be in fear of breast cancer. I've heard of women who do that because of their family medical history. They have a test where you can be tested to see if your odds are good (or bad depending on how you look at it) for developing breast cancer. I'm seriously considering looking into that. I have 2 young daughters I need to raise. They need me just as much as I need them. Anything I can do to prevent the chance of me dying I will consider. I'm going to wait and see what I find out at my appointment. I will remain positive though. All of my friends are telling me to remain positive and think that everything will be fine. I won't give up...no matter what the outcome. I will fight it. I have gone through too much and have way too much to live for to let something like breast cancer get in my way. Won't happen...not to this little girl. :)
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...