Seriously. I'm not capable of loving someone romantically. It's not in me. Not anymore. I loved once a very long time ago. That love ended August 1, 2004. I loved with all that I was in that relationship. I made mistakes but never did I think that my love would be thrown back in my face. It really didn't even enter my mind that it would be treated so callously and without regard. In the intervening 5 years I have dated sporadically and have had 2 "boyfriends" if that is what you want to call them. One lasted 2 months and the other just over a month. Neither was a healthy relationship and it was by Grace I was released from the relationships.
I shut down and closed myself completely off the day Darren and I ended things. I don't remember deciding to seal up my heart to romantic love but somewhere along the line that is exactly what I did. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for my coldness. He has his share of it but that is his cross to bear and he will have to atone for what he did. I do own how I handled it though. Being a strong woman was not even something I could say much less be one. I had been beaten down to the point of being subservient to him and being what he told me I was. I allowed it to happen. I could have left and I didn't. I loved him. I made the mistake of thinking what every woman does. "He will change. He is just having a rough patch in life right now. Things will get better. If I just lose the weight he will still want me. If I just find a really good paying job he won't be so stressed. If I...if I...if I" Those thoughts brought me to where I am today. People don't change. Not when they don't believe there is a problem. I shouldered the problems. I owned them. By taking possession of issues that weren't mine...I now have a heart that doesn't believe romantic love is real or possible.
Nothing I do has ever helped bring me out of this way of thinking. I've dated and always found a reason to not go out on a second date. I continue to have the thoughts "He is going to hurt you and he will do exactly what Darren did to you." Thoughts that I truly have no control over no matter how hard I try. I have tried to date and like a man. The wicked thoughts always creep in and I end what has barely begun. I know that people are going to think "Oh Tracey...let it go. He didn't deserve you and doesn't deserve what you are giving him now. You are still letting him control you." Just for the record...I have let him go. Anything I felt for him has long since died. It's the aftermath of him that I'm still reeling from. Even though I was with him less than 2 years...the damage was extreme and it goes deep. I look towards my future and all I see is me, my books and living in a small town away from the majority of the population. Never did I think that at 43 this is where I would be but...here I am.
I shut down and closed myself completely off the day Darren and I ended things. I don't remember deciding to seal up my heart to romantic love but somewhere along the line that is exactly what I did. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for my coldness. He has his share of it but that is his cross to bear and he will have to atone for what he did. I do own how I handled it though. Being a strong woman was not even something I could say much less be one. I had been beaten down to the point of being subservient to him and being what he told me I was. I allowed it to happen. I could have left and I didn't. I loved him. I made the mistake of thinking what every woman does. "He will change. He is just having a rough patch in life right now. Things will get better. If I just lose the weight he will still want me. If I just find a really good paying job he won't be so stressed. If I...if I...if I" Those thoughts brought me to where I am today. People don't change. Not when they don't believe there is a problem. I shouldered the problems. I owned them. By taking possession of issues that weren't mine...I now have a heart that doesn't believe romantic love is real or possible.
Nothing I do has ever helped bring me out of this way of thinking. I've dated and always found a reason to not go out on a second date. I continue to have the thoughts "He is going to hurt you and he will do exactly what Darren did to you." Thoughts that I truly have no control over no matter how hard I try. I have tried to date and like a man. The wicked thoughts always creep in and I end what has barely begun. I know that people are going to think "Oh Tracey...let it go. He didn't deserve you and doesn't deserve what you are giving him now. You are still letting him control you." Just for the record...I have let him go. Anything I felt for him has long since died. It's the aftermath of him that I'm still reeling from. Even though I was with him less than 2 years...the damage was extreme and it goes deep. I look towards my future and all I see is me, my books and living in a small town away from the majority of the population. Never did I think that at 43 this is where I would be but...here I am.