Skip to main content

Trains and baseball? They don't scare me. Yeah right.

This is a year of me facing many fears. Deep water is not my friend and yet I'm going on a cruise. Heights and I are not on great terms but I'm going on a ship which is quite tall. What was I thinking when I booked the cruise? I'm going to New York City in February and most likely the top of the Empire State Building will be on the agenda. Brilliant Tracey. I have these deep rooted fears and yet I do everything I can to really aggravate them.

Deep water and heights I believe I can cope with but I've decided to do something in August that has me panicked already. The cruise coordinator has arranged to have a Twilight night at a Mariners game the night before we set sail. It's no secret that I'm a diehard Twilight fan. If I have the funds and chance to do something that involves Twilight...I'm in. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I was very close to losing my life at a Mariners game June 18, 2005. I was standing next to a man who lost his that night.

It will be 5 years in June that the accident happened. I need to face this. I need to get past the vivid images that go through my mind every time I'm near Safeco field. I need to stop seeing his body laying crumpled on the ground. I need to let the survivors guilt go. I will be surrounded by a lot of friends that night but there is one person that I truly will need there...even if she doesn't go to the game. She reads this blog and she may know I'm talking about her but...Bean...I'm going to need you that night. You don't have to go to the game if you don't want to. I just need you.

A year of facing fears. Hopefully I will overcome them. If not...I still have friends by my side to support me and get me through. I can't ask for more than that.

Popular posts from this blog

Well I got a couple more hours of sleep. I have the best kids. They let me sleep and didn't wake me up until my cell started ringing. We went out and about today. K wanted to try Bubble Tea so I obliged her. Mistake. It is not good by any stretch of the imagination. If you don't know what Bubble Tea is....g00gle it. Once you find out...don't try it. *shudder* An expensive taste test. There is a storm heading our way. Would you believe it's supposed to snow tonight??? Snow on Easter. How odd would that be? Speaking of Easter...my girls are watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) and watching a childs version of The Passion. Even watching the crucifixtion of Christ as a cartoon it still brings tears to my eyes. I am so unworthy of what He went through for me. Well not just me but all of mankind. I saw The Passion last year and that is when I realized I needed to turn my life around. I was making a serious mess of things so I gave it all back to God. My life has had it...

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...

What have I done?

I've been thinking about the things I've done in the last 20 years but, thanks to my memory, I need to make a list so I can actually see that my life wasn't completely horrible. Las Vegas 6 times Dallas for a girl's weekend Forks 4 times for girls' weekends Cruise to Alaska Cruise to Bermuda x 2 Cruise to Belize, Honduras, Mexico Road trip to South Dakota x 2 Southern California for a long weekend Nashville to judge a beauty pageant. Nascar races x 2 one being a Championship. Orlando Florida - Disneyworld and Universal Studios California - many times Leavenworth - many times Girls' weekends - many times I have more trips coming up with a cruise to Alaska and a cruise around Ireland. A weekend trip to Montana.  A girl's week to Vegas.  I'm sure there will be more to be planned. I became a Nana and will be a Nana x 2 this year.   I've been able to purchase 2 homes. Even though I have battled depression, I have had friends stand steadfast by my side and...