Skip to main content

Trains and baseball? They don't scare me. Yeah right.

This is a year of me facing many fears. Deep water is not my friend and yet I'm going on a cruise. Heights and I are not on great terms but I'm going on a ship which is quite tall. What was I thinking when I booked the cruise? I'm going to New York City in February and most likely the top of the Empire State Building will be on the agenda. Brilliant Tracey. I have these deep rooted fears and yet I do everything I can to really aggravate them.

Deep water and heights I believe I can cope with but I've decided to do something in August that has me panicked already. The cruise coordinator has arranged to have a Twilight night at a Mariners game the night before we set sail. It's no secret that I'm a diehard Twilight fan. If I have the funds and chance to do something that involves Twilight...I'm in. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I was very close to losing my life at a Mariners game June 18, 2005. I was standing next to a man who lost his that night.

It will be 5 years in June that the accident happened. I need to face this. I need to get past the vivid images that go through my mind every time I'm near Safeco field. I need to stop seeing his body laying crumpled on the ground. I need to let the survivors guilt go. I will be surrounded by a lot of friends that night but there is one person that I truly will need there...even if she doesn't go to the game. She reads this blog and she may know I'm talking about her but...Bean...I'm going to need you that night. You don't have to go to the game if you don't want to. I just need you.

A year of facing fears. Hopefully I will overcome them. If not...I still have friends by my side to support me and get me through. I can't ask for more than that.

Popular posts from this blog

Too much...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...

2004 - 2023

  Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...

People who say they love you...

Shouldn't be the very people who hurt you the most.  For me, the worst damage comes from those who said they loved me and they were the people who destroyed me.  And people wonder why I don't believe in love.