I found something this morning that may be a bit of a problem. My clothes are getting too big. Normally this should not be an issue. I'm happy being at a size 8. Could use some toning but I look good in general. The problem is...I look awful as a size 6 and don't get me started on how horrible I look at a size 4. I was there a year and 1/2 ago and I looked sick. I try to eat. Honest...I do. I'm just finding that eating is not high on my list of things to do. When I do sit down for a meal I don't eat all of it. I will have maybe 1/2 of it and then I'm done. I can sit down and drink my diet P*psi's without problem. It's getting food into me that is the problem. It is 1:00 and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. I'm a tad hungry but the thought of food makes me nauseous. I would love to have a King's Row Special which is a jr. burger, fries and soda. The sheer thought of eating it? Not a good thing. K has even said things to me like "Mom...you really need to start eating" I look in the mirror and still see the size 10/12 I was. I didn't like seeing me that size. I'm not anorexic. I do eat. I don't throw it up. I just still see "chubby woman" when I look in the mirror. I"m beginning to think that this is not a good thing. How do I fix it though...? Why don't I want to eat? Why do I still see a fat woman looking at me in the mirror? :(
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...