I found something this morning that may be a bit of a problem. My clothes are getting too big. Normally this should not be an issue. I'm happy being at a size 8. Could use some toning but I look good in general. The problem is...I look awful as a size 6 and don't get me started on how horrible I look at a size 4. I was there a year and 1/2 ago and I looked sick. I try to eat. Honest...I do. I'm just finding that eating is not high on my list of things to do. When I do sit down for a meal I don't eat all of it. I will have maybe 1/2 of it and then I'm done. I can sit down and drink my diet P*psi's without problem. It's getting food into me that is the problem. It is 1:00 and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. I'm a tad hungry but the thought of food makes me nauseous. I would love to have a King's Row Special which is a jr. burger, fries and soda. The sheer thought of eating it? Not a good thing. K has even said things to me like "Mom...you really need to start eating" I look in the mirror and still see the size 10/12 I was. I didn't like seeing me that size. I'm not anorexic. I do eat. I don't throw it up. I just still see "chubby woman" when I look in the mirror. I"m beginning to think that this is not a good thing. How do I fix it though...? Why don't I want to eat? Why do I still see a fat woman looking at me in the mirror? :(
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...