I lost my father today. I still have my dad but the man who was part who I am biologically is gone. A man I will never know. A man whom I have heard nothing but good about from 2 people who loved him. I spoke with his brother today. I have an Uncle Jerry now. He told me a little bit about the man who was my father. He said he was a good man. Someone who was there for everyone but...don't piss him off. Once you betrayed his trust...it was gone and regaining it was difficult to do if ever. Very much like me. He had blue eyes...just like me. Brown hair...just like me. Not a big man....I'm on the small side. He had no butt...definately my father. I have no butt either. Totally flat. He was a man who kept his life to himself other than close friends. Very much like me. I'm guessing that he had a temper as mine has a tendency to flare up at wrongs being done to me or my family. So many questions are running through my head with the information I gained today. What were his last thoughts before he passed away? Did he think about me for 18 years before his death? Did he wish he had gotten to know the daughter he let go? These kind of questions will drive me mad if I keep thinking about them. These are questions I will never have answers to. I called my sister today. It's amazing how she knows when I'm upset. All I said was "Hi Denise...it's your sister". First words out of her mouth...."Ok...what's wrong? You don't sound good." We can go months without talking and she will know when I'm hurting or upset. When I told her that Gene had passed away...she was what a good sister should be. Comforting and available no matter what. I love my sister. I called Donna, my birth mother, after I spoke with Denise. Donna was sorry and pretty much said the same thing Jerry said. Gene was a good man. He drank too much but was still a good man. She had nothing bad to say about him. I found out that I have a brother. His name is Scott. He is younger than me and that is about all I know. My mission now is to find him. I will be seeing Jerry when I go to California in August. I want to be able to find Scott and see him also. It is amazing how your world can change and turn upside down in an instant. I woke up this morning with the hopes of one day finding my father. I will go to bed knowing my father passed away before I ever got the chance to look for him and I have more family out there. More than I ever expected. Jerry has 6 kids. None of them know about me so this is going to be interesting....to say the least. After today....my life will never be the same.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...