It is no secret that I hate Monday's. I figured that today was going to be no exception. I was wrong. I came to work as usual. Prepared for a caca kind of day. Went out to get the weekend mail and there was a package for me. I was thinking it was part of the swap I'm in. I thought wrong. It was from someone I used to work with in Bellevue. He had mentioned he was sending me a birthday card...this was larger than a birthday card. So being the curious person I am...and since my name was on the package...I opened it. I found my card but underneath the card....an iP0d!!! Hello!!!! Talk about something taking a person by surprise. It's a 1G and holds 240 songs. I'm going to have to hide it from K that much I know for sure. LOL I needed this pick-me up. I'm still strugglinjg with what happened last night but it is starting to subside. I can't really say it took me by surprise. I think that deep down I knew my depression after my surgery and losing my job is one of the major reasons for why it killed it for him. I just didn't want to face the fact that he is that shallow. He does take the blame for how I view relationships now and my inability to not allow anyone close. He did say that I need to take the control back and he is right. I do. I need to realize that I'm better than that...also something he said which shocked me. Last night was an emotional night for me. Darren and I did get a lot out in the open that we had kept to ourselves for a long time. There were so many unresolved issues and I think we have a lot of them worked out. After I logged off I felt a small sense of relief. Maybe I will be able to forget the words he used towards me and I can have a healthy relationship. When I brought up a time when he was cold to me after my surgery he did apologize for it. I know Darren very well and he is not one to apologize very often. I fully believe he is sorry for all he said to me. It was a tough night but one I needed . I'm ok though. :) A bit teary eyed but ok.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...