Last night I had the conversation I don't believe I could have handled almost 2 years ago. I finally got the reason for Darren "falling out of love with me". I became depressed after my hysterectomy and losing my job. He had said when he would come home from work and I hadn't done anything all day, I was still in my jammies, kids were eating mac and cheese and I was on the computer he lost it for me. He did admit that not being supportive of me compounded everything. The man I loved hated me because of something I had no control over. This really should bother me. With all that was said last night...it doesn't. I think in away I already knew it. Him telling me just confirmed it. Am I hurt by it? No. I'm past him hurting me. The problem now...I'm still letting what he did to me with the cybers*x and belittling me control who I am. How do I get my se*uality back and not even think about the horrible things that were said about me? How do I not compare every man I meet with him? Not only in the bad sense but even when our relationship was really good? There is so much more I want to post and I will but before I start crying again...I'll end this one. It's Monday...we all know how I feel about that.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...