I'm listening to my POTO soundtrack and I've been thinking about the music. Not just the story but the music. It's strange but it's like it becomes a part of who you are. I know that may not make sense to someone who doesn't appreciate music or just hasn't really gotten into POTO's music. I've found it has become such a part of my life that I can't imagine a day without it being in the background somewhere. I still find I can associate my life with Erik's life. Well...to a point. I'm not a murdering mad woman. :) His desire to be loved for who he is and not what he looks like was such a part of him. Christine had a line in the movie "This haunted face holds no horror for me now. It's in your soul that the true distortion lies" That one line sums up everything for Erik. Pretty close to the same with me. I feel that my soul is where I'm damaged. I can put on a pretty face and be everything everyone wants me to be. I'm good at that. I know...I'm doing some serious analyzing of myself. I can't be a full person unless I do that though. I won't go through my life half-assed and not be able to live it to the fullest. I know that there are people out there who are content with living life that way. I would not be one of them. I have done that in my past and I've been miserable and my relationships have failed because of it. I need to continue becoming a better me. I'm a great person, mom, friend. I just want to continue building on that. :)
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...